It's The Doc!

And now we have 90 days to GTFO. :|

I really don't want to have to move. Again.

Ugh.

Posted by Doc at 3:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

</job>

I don't know what really to feel.

Posted by Doc at 12:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday I went into work, my GM Marty was there, asked me how I was doing. After the normal him and haw of a minute he asked me to meet him upstairs after I clock in. Whenever your manager asks to speak to you in private it's usualy never good - and you know that.

So I clock in and try to wonder how bad of a review I must have gotten off of a table, or maybe I skipped out on sidework that I should have done, or missed a shift completely? I couldn't think of anything.

"Take a seat Gordon" - Yeah this was going to be good.

He brings out 3 photocopies of closed checks with my name on it. The first one had a free appatizer on it, which no visible explination on WHY I would give a free appatizer. I'm not exactly sure why I would give out free potato skins, but I know for a fact I do have a reason. You can't accidentally put those in, so either the manager said to give them for free or something was wrong with their meal, etc etc. He didn't mind and passed that along.

Then came the horrible news.

He pulled out the other two pages, each had a credit card charge slip and the check it should have gone to. He asked me to explain. From the looks of it the charge slip and the check were off by about 5-6 bucks on each one. This means I over charged them and pocketed the difference.

(Let me explain how this would have occoured: Step 1: I drop the bill. Step 2: They pay for the bill and leave. Step 3: I then would have to discount it. Step 4: During my checkout the extra money falls to me)

I just stare at these two checks and wonder why the hell or HOW the hell I managed to do that. I look back up at Marty and he just stares at me. I know he likes me as a person and a worker but right now I can tell he thinks I stole the money, and he needs and explination. I try to work out why I would do that with Marty but I can't think of any reason at all. During this all is the pre-shift meeting three days ago, talking about someone who got fired at the Crossroads store for the same exact thing that is now on my record.

"I want to keep you here Gordon, but 2 different times on 2 different shifts. This is something we fire for."

"This job is all I have up here." Was the only thing I managed to say in my defence. I don't know what happened, I don't know what will happen.

Marty sent me home for the rest of the day and said he'll talk to our DM. So I go to work in about an hour from now. There I find out if I still have a job or not.

Needless to say I'm a bit worried.

Posted by Doc at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Faralis
I did get on Fortune Fox quite badly, but he talked to me maturely and he wanted the image removed. He was ticked off quite a bit when he didn't get an email within 24 hours. Since he cannot access IRC or Java stuff, I decided to try to talk for him. He used the forums for PMing. You can talk to him for his side of the story if you like via the forums... I know none of you would believe me because I was indeed negative many times. But if doc can make a page just to piss someone off, he can remove an image just as fast. This includes lando and all the other administrators. I went in the chatroom and tried to be nice and reasonable. But it just drove me to the point of saying the wrong things the way they acted *sighs* and I do appologize for this.

Posted by Doc at 1:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So as I left for work today I headed off to my and noticed my hood was popped...

You know that sick feeling you get in your tummy when something you KNOW is bad just happened. You just got caught in a huge lie? Or you just broke something priceless? Just got in a car accident? Set a baby on fire?

Yeah I had that about now.

So I walk around and realize my car's driver side was unlocked. And my hood was propped open. This is very odd. Immediatley I assume I have been broken into and open the door to go through the damage. I notice my change drawer has been emptied out. (total loss, maybe $2 in spare change). My glove compartment had been opened and my mom's Ray-Ban fugly glasses from the 80's were taken (total loss, negative $3. Honestly they were fucking ugly). I look around and find my nametag, which was pinned to my server apron.

... They took my server apron. All it had was some books to present checks, some pens, and two lighters. Total loss: 2 bucks?

Then I realized I have a 6-CD changer in my trunk. I pop it and run around to go look. Yup :/ gone.

Wondering why my hood was popped I walked aorund noticed that the mounting bracket holding my battery down was unscrewed. The battery was still there just the one nut was gone. So... I'm not sure what they really tried to do there.

I'm not really devestated by this all, I just feel more violated than anything. I mean I lived not too far from San Francisco, San Jose, and Oakland for all my life and I get broken into here? Bumfuck nowhere? Odd.

So I got a locked garage to park my car in now, which is better.

Posted by Doc at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

HEY SO I'M STILL HERE BECAUSE MY DAD WANTS ME TO WAIT UNTIL HE GETS BACK FROM SEEING MY BROTHER AND HE WONT BE BACK UNTIL LIKE 2 MORE HOURS SO I WANT TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW BUT IT WILL BE DARK ALL CAPS AAAAAAAAA

Posted by Doc at 5:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So today was a very emotional day at work. The new schedules are posted every Saturday night. My last day is the 18th and so I waltz over to the little pegboard to see what shift I have for the final day.

My name wasn't on there. That was the first kind of settling blow.

I picked up a shift for Wed. the 18th, because that was the last day I said I was going to be working.

But I wont work with a lot of these people ever again. Chris K said goodbye to me today. I will see him at my party but... yeah. I wont ever work with him again. After he left I had to go into the kitchen and just cry for a bit as Marion and Monica comforted me.

And I really wish I would have spent more time with Marion. I found out some cool things about her and looking back I really wish we would have talked a lot more. Sucks to find this out so close to my leaving. Oh well. She'll always be my baby's momma. But I guess now we'll have some slighty more interesting children.

But yeah. 18th is last day at work. 27th is last day in California.

This is all happening quicker than I thought.

Posted by Doc at 12:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Last night was emotional.

My dad wants me to stay longer and things went back and forth until I finally cracked and started to cry. I was weeping on my kitchen floor yelling at my dad. I don't know if I can say I hate him, but sometimes I hate the life he lives, I don't know when he is serious or not, I never know what to do around him.

Posted by Doc at 3:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well this is what has happened. My parents said "you're not moving" and I agreed.

Then I got to talking and realized I was tired of doing what THEY say for MY benifit when I feel it wasn't helping. So I wrote this up and gave it to my mom.

Note: This is an outline and not a definite plan of action. All dates (in reason) are subject to change, as well as any actions. I am writing this up to show that I am not going in there with just blind faith, I want to do this right. Please help me with any part that looks like it may need it.)

Overlying Plan:

1. Move to Washington
2. Secure Apartment
(2a. Obtain Residency)
3. Work and Accumulate Funds
4. Attend School

First and foremost this plan is to ensure #1 happens as top priority.

Am I ready to move?

* Financially?
-Financially I would say I am as ready as I am going to get (in reasonable terms). I could always save up more and more money the longer I stay here, but at some point it becomes nothing more than a time sink to sit and get more money for a move I will keep putting off because I want more money.

* Emotionally?
-Leaving my family is going to be one of the hardest things to do, but at the same time it will be one of the best things (in my opinion) for me to do. I am not running away from my problems. I am just giving myself more space and hopefully will able to just experience life. The good and the bad.

* Will my family let me go?
-I really don't know. This is what scares me the most. I have read the letter my mom wrote me telling me not to "run away". I never have planned to sneak out while they are at work, but at the same time if they don't want to help me go, I will be packing alone and saying a much briefer and painful goodbye then I want to.

* What is literally STOPPING me?
-My compassion and caring for my parents and brother. I don't want to leave because I feel as if I must carry their burden. I must stay here as a straight and narrow son. The moment I leave all hell will break down and they will continue their cycle.

* So why am I leaving?
-I can only support them for so long before I need to support my own life. My dad was telling me drug stories tonight that had NO POINT to them at all. None. Zero. He just wanted to reminisce about the "good time" (or not so good) with his buddies. I can't stand this kind of talk. I don't put up with it around my friends, co-workers, anyone. I don't want to be around this environment.

* Am I leaving just for Bryan?
-A lot of it is because of Bryan, yes. He has also offered to move down here a long time ago. It was then I said I wanted to move up there. I know if I leave down the street or even down to another county I would be away from my family enough. I wish to move to Washington because it's somewhere new. I'd like to move a bit before I become so tied down moving is not worth it.

Breakdown of the plan.

1. Move to Washington
* I will transfer all my credits to one college, or discuss which can be transferred to the college I plan to attend while in Washington (expanded later).
* I will turn in my notice to work, letting them know I will be leaving by ____.
-I call up the district manager and let him know when I will be in Washington. He will then set up an interview and transfer for a Black Angus up North near the area we wish to move.
* I will secure all records I need.
-Medical and dental
-Schooling / Transcripts
-Transfer insurance for Washington state.
-Voter registration, drivers license info.
* Bryan will get a one way flight down here to visit.
-Around a week or so.
-I give final goodbyes to my friends and family (preferably with Bryan with me, so they can all meet him).
* We will drive back up to Washington
-Get chains for car, shown how to use them.
-Map and directions.
-Money for gas.
-No furniture except TV and computer, etc etc.
* Arrive at Bryan's parents' house.
-I will be staying here until an apartment is secured.
(ADDRESS)
(PHONE NUMBER)
(PARENTS' NAMES)

2. Secure Apartment
* Starting the next day Bryan and I look for an apartment.
-Will be looking in Bothell area and outlying areas.
(Bothell is kind of like Fremont to San Francisco)
-Looking for price range between $600 and $1,000 a month.
-Will be writing up a contract stating ALL costs are split 50/50 unless another contract states otherwise.
(Will be mailing a copy of this to my paranoid parents for safe keeping)
-We will be letting the landlord know we will be having a third roommate stay with us.
(His name is Alex Munroe, right now he lives in New York, moved out of his parent's house after they refused to pay for college for him [they make more than enough for it, they have 2 ranches with horses and everything]. He is looking for someplace to finally settle down just like we are, and he is a good friend. I have met with him in Philadelphia with Bryan. He will be signing a contract just as we will, all costs split 33/33/33)
[I realize thats only 99. But whaddya gunna do?]
* The lease will have myself and Bryan's names on it.
-Bryan's parents co-signing.
* We will move from parent's house.
-Because I will be there for such a short time this shouldn't be much of a trek at all.
-After everything is moved we will go to Ikea and start buying furniture, just the basics at first.
(Because of the amount of money I have saved up I will be buying the bulk of furniture. It is understood and will have another contract signed that I will be paid back for half or two-thirds of the furniture I buy, depending on what I buy and who uses it.)
* Start to get bills and everything worked out.
-Seeing first hand how much we have to play with every month.
* We will not sign a lease that is longer than 6 months.
-I do not wish to be tied to one place for longer than half a year.
-This gives me plenty of time to feel out things on my own, in case Bryan and I don't work well after the "Honeymoon Period" or other unforeseen things happen.

2a. Obtaining Residency
* Note: I will be going to Edmonds Community College, it is near where we will live.
-I will be fishing out my AA there (general education degree)
* Before I start going back to school I need residency.
-This is to cut costs of classes in half, out of state pay more than twice as much.
-If I am not going to be paying for my schooling and my parents do not care how much it costs, this entire section is to be skipped, I will be attending school the next starting quarter.
-Fee breakdown can be found at: http://tuition.edcc.edu/
-Example of costs: 1 class is about 5 credits. For a resident this is $359.00. For a non resident this is $1,217.50. This means to take three classes (respectable amount, maybe even four) this will cost from $2,551.00 to $3,093.20 for one quarter without books or any other supplies.
* How to get residency: http://tuition.edcc.edu/_residency.php
"For tuition purposes, a resident student:
* has lived in Washington state for other than educational purposes for one year and is financially independent
* is a financially dependent student and has one or both parents or legal guardian who have lived in Washington state for at least one year"

-I will be in Washington for a year working and getting more funds and this is when I will be working towards my residency.

3. Work to Accumulate Funds
* I will be working at a Black Angus as a waiter while I wait for my residency.
* Unless I get residency somehow earlier than one year I will probably pick up a second job.
-This is so I am not sitting around all day like I do at home, making just enough for rent.
-I make a good amount of money, and will have plenty for rent and bills, but if I'm just sitting around I might as well find someway to be productive.
* I do not plan to move around much in this time if at all.

4. Attend School
* Once residency is declared I will apply.
-If I move in Jan. like I wish and plan then I will just miss the winter quarter, for I will not be a resident in time for their application deadline.
-I will be applying for their Fall semester, which runs from Sept 19 to Dec 9.
* I will continue my schooling until I get my AA
-After this I cannot plan, I do not know where life will take me scholastically.
-Once I get my AA I can transfer that ANYWHERE, every college takes an AA/AS/AN. It is my first step into my career path (once decided).
* Bryan will be attending school.
-Once we move he will go back to school that following semester.
-He has only a few classes left, so it will be maybe one semester.
* Alex wishes to go back to school, but will need to settle residency like myself first.
-He is farther than any of us, I think he is working for his bachelor's degree in computer science or something.
-Alex is a little younger than me (skipped ahead and whatnot).

5. Personal Thoughts.
I want to move. I am tired of planning things and getting ready to jump only to back down. I know my parents love me and only wish to see me excel in life. I'm not sure how much they realize how sturdy a footing they have given me. I feel confident in myself and my decisions in life, I know that I have their support and backing 110%. I know it seems like I may be running from problems and issues I should deal with but this is not the case. Honestly these problems and issues are not my problems; they are the family's. I know I am part of this family and never want to become a "holiday child", but I feel now is the time I have to go, and I have this amazing opportunity.
I know my parent's wish for my education to continue, and this is a very loud and very reasonable request. However right now in my life this is not MY number one priority. I know it isn't really any teenager's first priority, but I hope I can win some respect for the fact my number one priority is getting farther in life and getting much desired space to grow as a person (as opposed to wanting to move out so I can party all night, etc.).
I know Bryan's parents will be writing my parents a letter soon letting my own parents know their feelings and support. I want them to be assured that Jim and Roberta are two of the most supportive parents I have seen (next to my own). They really care for me and Bryan's safety and well being.
Bryan's mom has a master's degree in education and works in the field to this day. She is upset about Bryan dropping out but she also has stepped back and let him make his own decisions. By no means is she letting him (or me) just go through uneducated, but she isn't going to force it upon her sons. Both his parent's have graduated from college and know the importance of a good education. I come however from a family who hasn't gone through the traditional college, and know the pain of not having an education. I believe this will give me a very unique kind of advice from both sides that will support me.
I wouldn't be moving if I wasn't sure how much support both families would give. I know if Bryan was moving down here my parent's would be giving as much support as his would give, that's just how they are.
I do not want this move to be seen as a irrational teenage rebellion against "The Man", my family, or anything of that sort; quite the opposite. I want this move to be seen as my parents giving me the space to do what I feel I need to do, all the while stepping back ready to catch me if I fail.
I am planning to move early next year and I just ask for their support.

My mom then left a note on my monitor the day after.

"Gordon-
Thank you -
I love you -
We'll talk later about dates - but I don't want to keep you from your life."

This is a good sign.

Posted by Doc at 1:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Today really has to be one of the most downer days ever. I don't really want ot go into depth and I am really doing good now but here are the pointers.

1. Parents said I can't move.
2. I had horrible bowel/stomach problems today.
3. I made no money in tips.
4. I found out a good friend came out to his parents with HORRIBLE results.
5. I realized I have just fucked over a good friend because of #1.
6. I work in 12 hours.

Posted by Doc at 1:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So I bought my new monitor right? This thing cost me $1,000+, so fuck yes I'm going to brag and show it off. So in #liveyiff I go and start talking about it, being silly and not very serious.

<DrGamez> My monitor is INSANELY big
<Cail> I want to go buy 3 sticks of 256
<Kommie> How big is your monitor?
<DrGamez> 24" widescreen
<Cail> Almost as big as my cock
<Charmande> o.o
<DrGamez> http://itsthedoc.net/archives/000842.php
* Charmande follows Cail around.
<Kommie> Meh.
<DrGamez> Meh?
<Cail> Queer char
<DrGamez> MEH DO YOU.
<Kommie> Dell.. meh.
<Kommie> I like our work ones.

So Kommie here puts his face in and tries to be a prick. I retalliate by being dumb, letting him know I don't have the worlds BEST monitor, but its still nice.

<DrGamez> My monitor > all yous
<Kommie> Haha.
<DrGamez> And Dell makes good ass monitors
<DrGamez> It's the same screen from the apple studio display
<Kommie> Kay.

Ok game over right? No. He fucking messages me IN PRIVATE with this line:

<Kommie|STALKER> I just feel like saying it, I have a 30 inch display monitor.

Holy shit. Is it THAT important you let me know you have the better monitor? Fucking die.

Rest of the convo:

<DrGamez> k
<DrGamez> cool
<Kommie|STALKER> Just cause you said your monitor owns all ours :P
<DrGamez> it does btw
<Kommie|STALKER> Not really
<DrGamez> yes
<DrGamez> watch
<Kommie|STALKER> How much did your cost?
<DrGamez> mine > yous
<DrGamez> DONE
<DrGamez> MATH DOESN'T LIE
<Kommie|STALKER> Uh huh. Right.. perhaps one day arrogance will pass.;
<DrGamez> Says the person who messaged me with "my e-penis is bigger btw"
<Kommie|STALKER> Well, I am just correcting a false statement, I'd say a 30" beats a 24" Dell.
<Kommie|STALKER> I don't go around bragging about it though.
<DrGamez> gg taking me seriously when I say something like mine > yous
<Kommie|STALKER> Just irks me when people brag about lame stuff.
<DrGamez> You're a dick. I'm proud I saved up money and so I'm trying to be happy and show it off a bit and you're like "HAHA NO MINE IS BETER YOU SUCK DIE"
<DrGamez> gtfo
<Kommie|STALKER> Probably, I didn't spend a dime, our company supplied it. n.n
<DrGamez> k. cool.
<DrGamez> Did daddy buy your car as well?
<Kommie|STALKER> ..What does my dad have to do with this? My dad passed away when I was 16. So .. nope.
<Kommie|STALKER> I don't come from a rich family at all, bad assumption.
<DrGamez> And you're slow to top it off.
<DrGamez> Fuck just shut up and leave
<Kommie|STALKER> Not quite, I'm quite proud of my life, from where I live to what I achieved.. specially in my field of work.
<DrGamez> k
<DrGamez> cool

So he's bragging about the monitor he didn't buy and then doesn't understand when I make an allusion to his father.

Fuck him.

Posted by Doc at 10:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So it appears that I wont be moving as soon as I thought. Bryan's dad did some math and worked out about how much it would cost per month for the both of us, and it comes out to be that coon may not make enough to live on his own. So until he gets a better job I once again do not have a move date set.

This kind of stinks, but it's not a HUGE disapointment. The only suck part is I keep telling people "next month" and they keep making plans on it and I don't ever really move.

So I'm starting to sound like a broken record.

Posted by Doc at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Carrie
Chris B.
Chris E.
Laura
Patrick
Nick
Ron
Travis
Shawnna

In the past 2 months, these co-workers and friends have either been fired or quit in disgust at how shitty the place I work at has become.

Today I was called in when I wasn't supposed to work. I had to take a banquet. 2 people quit because it was so fucking busy. Just up and left in the middle of the shift, making it even harder for everyone else.

Then I make $55 of $850 in sales. The 15% minimum for $850 in sales is $127 in tips.

I made $55.

And there are some of you out there that will say "Well tips are something EXTRA, not to be depended on as a source of income."

That's great of you to think that, you've never had a waiting job. Apparently you think being a waiter isn't stressful and watching your co-workers just leave you fucked with more tables is a breeze. Well tonight was fucking hard, and I just want to cry.

This is bullshit.

Posted by Doc at 11:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So right after calling for hours and getting no response from work I leave a message saying I wont be coming into work today because of a family emergency.

I get a call about 3 minutes later from the manager letting me know I'm late to OPEN and I'm training someone on top of that.

Yeah.

So I go into work and get written up for being late, then the bitch decides to listen to the voice message and feel bad. She said I could go home early but it was too late, she ruined the chance I had to see my brother.

Because she didn't check the voice-mail she is supposed to.

Later she let me know that we had a NEW telephone line I'm supposed to call. I asked everyone working and it was new news to them.

So yeah. I get disciplined for not coming in on time.

So I made $31.

Instead of seeing my brother who I have seen in months... I made $31.

I really want to put in my two weeks notice just because of this incident.

I want to cry but I'm feeling too sick to tear up. I miss him. I really just miss him.

Posted by Doc at 9:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My car has been towed.

Waiting for them to call me back.

Posted by Doc at 1:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yeah, latley I have been feeling kind of depressed, the last two days or something. I believe it has to do with my lack of social life. Or more exact, my lack of social life initative.

Last night for example, I managed to get the day off work, this doens't happen a whole lot so close to the weekend. There was a furry coffee meeting. I like coffee, and I like friends.

Even with DarkRage telling me I should go, I didn't. Why? I don't know. I feel like I'm intruding on someone else's fun. Too shy or embarrased? Not sure again. Just something in my mind makes me think while I may be an awesome and great person, nobody really wants me to hang around. Guess it triggers back further into school.

You know I have one friend I feel comfortable just calling up when I'm bored? Just one. I know I have lots of friends that call me and want to drag me places, but I feel as if they feel obligated to every so often. But yes. I only have one friend I call up (and haven't for weeks now because he is getting a bit annoying) and bother when I'm bored.

Other than that I just sit at home, and go to work. That's all. I know I talk to Bryan a lot, which helps me feel loved but I still have a hard time dealing with this fact. All through the best years of my school I was happy, and then as soon as college came around, nobody seemed to care. (That sounds selfish).

Yeah. So I'm feeling blah right now, and I know some will try to help - but other than me getting over this stupid feeling of intrusion, there isn't a whole lot to do in support.

Posted by Doc at 1:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Hopefully I fixed it.

addition: Yes it works.

So yeah, after I upgraded to 3.17 I forgot to upload over some new files, which made my blog unworkable from my side :/

Anthony
So my brother is still in juvi.

I know he belongs there in one sence, but... not for this long. What he did was stupid, he got himself into it, but fuck; I miss him.

We don't really get along, and we usualy just fight, but when I heard he wasn't coming home until they find another place for him, and even then I wont see him... I got really sad.

My brother has moved out before I have.

I do miss him. It's really quiet around here, and I can see my parents slowly destroying themselves with how much they miss him. I'm scared for him. Before I fall asleep I just think about him... staring at a cell wall... hour and hour.

Makes me really sad.

I love you Anthony, and I miss you terribly.

Posted by Doc at 10:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So my brother was put back into juvinille hall for a probation violation, testing dirty and being suspended. He went to court on Friday and the judge finally snapped at the lawyer, my parents, and my brother. So he is going to be kept until the 7th, then he will be moved to a group home.

For six to nine months.

This mean I won't see him home... pretty much ever again, because I plan to move in about a month or three. I don't miss him, because he is a little shit, but when I was thinking I just don't know how my parents are going to take this.

Come Christmas or Thanksgiving or something I'll be up in Washington, their other son will be locked away in a group home.

That's really depressing. Really really depressing. Now I understand why my parents don't want me to move, I'm pretty much a "sure bet" that will always keep them company.

I'm always right there on the computer, listening to weird music and laughing.

But I also know I can't stay here - even though they are my family, they are slowly killing me from the inside.

But they are, I'm tired of being caught up in all their weird shit, I am getting away and moving in with someone I love.

Posted by Doc at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So I'm supposed to be at work now, I forgot I had to go in at 4:45pm.

And becuase I don't have a ride to work (long fight with my dad last night) I don't know what to really do. I just may call in around 8pm from my cell and just say there was a lot of family crap, and I'm not at home right now.

Posted by Doc at 5:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So yeah. I made 10 cents today for tips at work.

I'm not lying. I also gave away my free meal (for training) because I thought I'd make enough to buy some food.

Yeah.

I want to cry? (meant to put the ? there)

Posted by Doc at 12:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well today was boring as hell n..n;

Posted by Doc at 10:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My dad has seizures every so often, but he has gotten to the point that he can literally fight through them. When he feels an attack is coming he rests for a few minutes and just concentrates until it passes. He had a small scare this morning, which I talked him through it. Then he took off to the store to get some beer, he was gone for a long while. 30... 40... an hour. Then we get a call from the hospital, from my dad.

Apparently on his way back he creamed the shit out of some pole after blacking out, so we don't know if he had a seizure or what. He is ok, he was the one who called us and stuff, but htis really sucks for his license. We had to really fight to allow him to keep driving after they found out he had seizures, and now that they have PROOF he may be unsafe to drive, this sucks. He is the major source of money for our family and goes to work like at 4am, it would suck to have to drive him for the rest of his working life :/

So for insurance reasons I went down to get some pics before PG&E moved it too far away.

in case you didn't read, my father is alive and well, just really fucking dumb, THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE.

Posted by Doc at 7:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So yeah. I went in and picked up my check today, we had corporate all around and one of them stopped me and let me know I couldn't be MOD/Manager until I was 21.

I'm only 18. I have 2+ years stuck as a waiter until I'm allowed to move up. Needless to say I am not feeling my best.

Posted by Doc at 5:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yeah. I was talking about blogs and stuff, and how I was proud of all my new things I just added, then Lando came and said "And yet no more still no comments". I told him it wasn't my fault they didn't want to comment, I still pull traffic, and he said that it was mine.

I usualy don't do posts like these, but yeah. That really hurt. You can say what you want about me but when you start badmouthing my blog, I'm sorry - please shut up. Critisism is good, but when you do nothing to create what you use, then go and look down upon other's hard work then you need to re-evaluate your own self. This goes beyond Lando, anyone who wants to say my blog sucks can just piss off. Most of you people run a shitty little LJ and some style your friend made with blinking images and think it is cool.

It's not.

The ONLY LJ I have ever seen that has ANY CHANCE of not sucking total ass is vee's. I wish he would install the LJ system on his own server and use it there, just so he is free of someone else's machine, but oh well. Everyone else who made their blog in 5 clicks, stfu.

And by the way, I don't want to get any fucking response from this. I write my blog for myself.

I don't need comments to justify my words.

Posted by Doc at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Well today I found out it's not my wisdom teeth causing me my pain.

It's a molar that needs a root canal.

I cried at the dentists office, in front of my mother, dentist, and assistant.

Yeah - I think I have dentistry anxiety. So I need to get a root fucking canal (hands still shaking by typing that) and then get my wisdom teeth out, which doesn't even bother me anymore.

Posted by Doc at 4:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm hungry, mouth hurts to chew, can't eat.

Posted by Doc at 9:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My brother wont stop smoking pot inside the house cause he is a fucking reject of a human.

My wisdom teeth are hurting like fuck. I can't even sleep it off. I took 3 advil and they have only dulled the pain, I'm afraid to take anymore :(

Someone stop this pain.

edit: 4 advil. That's all I'm going to take for the next 5 hours or so at least. God this hurts.

Posted by Doc at 10:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I just read Nimbi's LJ as he gets a lot of feelings out about past relations, and then he got the reply he wanted. Or at least some kind of reply from his former boyfriend.

That got me thinking, I want to make amends with Navleen (mousegirl), but I can't. I don't have any way of ever contacting her again, her email address has changed since I've last tried it; I doubt she reads this...

I still have a binder of stuff we collected together, letters, pictures, etc etc. I'm not sure what to do with it. It's in a box with all the letters I have gotten from her, just sitting there.

I'm not angsty or even sad right now, I just kind of want to know what to do with it all, if she wants that binder back, I was only supposed to hold onto it for a little while, but then we e-mailed and she found out I was going out with Bryan. I told her I wouldn't, because at that time I didn't think what I was feeling for him was anything past friendship. Fastforward through AC and just talking with him more and thsoe feelings finally came to head.

So yeah.

What do I do with it? It's like a weight of burden that sits in my room, cause I know I messed her life up a bit.

I know she goes to Ohlone as well, and I do now too (for this semester). I'm actually scared I will run into her at the bookstore or something, or someone she knows or something. I remember I passed her at a mall during christmas, she was with her sister. I know her sister saw me, but I don't think she remembers how I look. I didn't make eyecontact with Navleen, but I know she heard my voice - you don't forget voices of those you cared for.

I could have at least looked at her, but I was so afraid that there was still nothing but hate that I just keep walking away.

Emotions are quite good at keeping the body sharp, I've learned that much n..n;

Note: I am not sad, angsty, depressed or anything like that, so please don't try and give me advice, I just felt the need to sympathize with my 'coon, and while doing so I kind of expelled this babble ^..^;

Posted by Doc at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I feel like a loner.

Right now FC is going on and I don't even have anyone to go hang out with if I wanted to go. And on top of that even if I did want to, I have work for the next 4 days, so I have to leave before anything cool happens.

I think I just feel lonley right now. Really lonley.

I feel bad when friends come around, because I have fun with them, but I have no desire/knohow or whatever to go and initiate people interactions.

I'm a hugely social person who lives their life as a loner. :(

Posted by Doc at 11:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

xxx> Doc just isn't fun anymore.

Thats all I had to hear. I have become an ass... and I'm sorry. I don't normally disallow comments but I dont' want your pity right now.

I'm sorry.

Posted by Doc at 1:47 AM | Permalink

http://www.agnph.com

So it finally happened; Nintendo came down with their goons and shut it down.

"How do you feel?" Is what I've been asked a lot today.

I guess I feel happy. Happy that it's over, that I don't have to run that site anymore, that I wont have to listen to IP or Igg bitch and call me "FAG" every 10 seconds online.

And I'm happy I still have my friends at #AGNPH.

But I want to get a video of me, pissing on NOA's headquarters. They do locate in Washington ya know~

Posted by Doc at 12:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yeah~

Maybe I am feeling more jealous. But I don't know, because I thought it didn't bother me. I just need to work out these feelings.

Posted by Doc at 8:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

They hate me.

Yet all they do is find way to annoy me, to talk to me, to bug me.

So they are like a fan of sorts. It's great :D

Any attention is good attention.

No publicity is bad publicity.

You shouldn't worry about what people say when they talk about you; it's when they stop talking about you when you should worry.

Posted by Doc at 8:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yes.
Thank you for being there.

You know who you are. You are my ex-girlfriends, your are my current boyfriend, you are my best friends, you are my friend from 4th grade, you are my manager, your are my co-workers, your are my internet buds, you are my internet pets, you are my phonecalls at night, my messages during class, the people I play cards with, the friends I go bowling with, you are the reason I am who I am.

I love you.

I have always loved all of you.

I do not know how well I would do alone. I couldn't do it. Without you all here, I would be weak. I need people to justify who I am. I know I have good self-esteem, but if nobody else was here to see it, why would it all matter?

I don't want to angst.

But I know you will read this and feel sympathy.

Thats because I know you will be there. Here. Always.

Posted by Doc at 10:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Angsting with vee is fun cause we have simliar things to rant about.

<3

Posted by Doc at 1:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yeah. I am typing this up with no internet. With no phone. With no cable TV. I am on a hardwood floor; sheets pinned up over the windows as makeshift blinds. Clutter from my life is all around me. I look out the front room windows to see.. my old house.
Old house? Yes. Old house.

98 Duarte Ave.

I don't live there anymore. We have been removed. I know it would happen one day, especially after we were told we only have a few months left; but it doesn't make this any easier. So why can I see my old house?

Because we moved across the street. The house I am in now is smaller than the one over there. I didn't think it possible – but it has been done apparently. We decorate this room with our own belongings, but it isn't our home; not our house. Sure, you could say that about any house really. But when you come to a house you don't want to move into... it never really feels like home. I wasn't excited to come here, and when I found my room managed to shrink in size and my closest is now hardly anything: I felt sad.

Not depressed, just sad.

I know my family sucks at money management; I'm not blaming them for this... much. I just feel saddened that my family will have to live in such conditions until we find a better house. My dad and mom are adamant about doing just that; living here is depressing to us all they think.

I know a lot of this seems out of the blue, unexpected and unexplained. I don't know why I never felt like talking about my move much. I still don't feel a big urge to talk about it. It boils down to: the people that we rented from had a divorce, and she wants the house.

Unfortunately we were living in that house, only a year or so away from buying it from them, as they said we could.

And so we are across the street now. This used to be a mobile home. Not like a trailer or anything, but it wasn't built on this land, it was brought in and some makeshift shit was put around it. Doesn't look bad from the outside, and the inside is bearable; but it isn't home.

I go across the street now, into my empty house. I hear the cats crying as they don't understand what's going on. And I realize that doesn't feel like home anymore. The person who wants this house will get it back forever. The tree in front of the yard... it was such a scraggly thing – it has now started it's growth into a full fledged maple. The grass out back was just a piece of dirt before. Everything that was in the garage... I still don't know where that is all going to go.

I remember when I woke up over at Bryan's apartment. I didn't feel like I usually feel when sleeping in strange areas. When in new places, I never really sleep – I hear everything. I do rest, but every little click, notice, purr, drop, blip, bloop, creak, squeak, etc; I hear. Even now I am trying to get accustomed to the sounds of this house, mostly it quiet echoes is creates. Getting back on topic, when I was with Bryan, I... slept. I slept soundly. I didn't hear anything other than “good morning” upon my awaking. I want my home to be with Bryan.

He called me not too long ago, just to tell me he loves me. I don't know how to feel right now. It was a cute motion, and make me melt like always; but I almost want to cry over everything here. I have a paper to write, and I'm-procrastinating on that right now. I don't know what my thesis is; I have a group project on Tuesday, and I have work Monday, Tuesday, and then Thursday through Saturday. When he said that I just am reminded why all of this can't drive me to a breaking point. I have to be strong, I have to get good grades and finish my schooling, I have to work hard and save up money; for him.

I have to be with Bryan.

I want to start the next chapter of my life in his presence.

A Chat with V
I remember there was a time where Eevee annoyed the life out of me. He was always arrogant, always claiming he could do things better than anyone else, but never showing his actual skill. That annoyance eventually led to a disagreement between us, that put a nice hefty wedge of “grr” between us both. Well to fast-forward a bit, it was removed. However, it wasn't until a few nights back where I really talked to him.

He was getting a bit angst about relationships and stuff, and because of other... “not bright” people's view on relations in the #agnph, we messaged each other a bit. Then out of nowhere, I had to let stuff out. I had to let everything out to him. I never wanted to let Eevee know that the AGNPH drove me crazy. I knew he didn't like how I ran the site, as it was held together with virtual duct tape and hopes; but I always managed to make it look like it was great being the admin of the AGNPH, save for a few instances.

Lately however, people have just made my life suck online. I can no longer get online to talk with my boyfriend, or play a few rounds of Gunbound, or even check my e-mail. From the moment I sign on, to the moment I sign off, I have people messaging me about the AGNPH. Most prevalent are those who have no other reason but to annoy me. I have banned a few people from that site for personal reasons, I admit; but then they take it on themselves to make my life a living hell – because they aren't getting their porn. It's ridiculous. From Invader_Pichu's constant name calling of “queer” and “faggot” to Iggumbreon's never-ending chatting to me about absolutely nothing; to random people spamming the website, I don't get a moment of peace anymore.

And I had to let Eevee know this for some reason. I wanted to let him know that I hate the place as much as he does. We had a few chuckles about planning how to take down the entire site in one fell swoop. Deleting every last picture, admin, user, thread topic, and etc; and just never explaining the actions or madness behind it.

And then I talked to him about something a bit more serious. I told him I felt threatened by his amount of people he knew. I know he can out code me, and out nerd me if need be. Apparently he out blogs me. Eevee can make a random topic or post about nothing, and get over 20 comments every time. I can do something just as random, or a complete paradox shift and do something completely serious, and get maybe 2 comments. This isn't a plea for comments. For the love of God if I find I get more comments on this entry than I do on any other entry, I know you folks really don't care about what I have to say. But I just felt threatened that nobody really doesn't like Eevee.
When he was snuggling with Nimbus over at Anthrocon, I was really scared. I knew nothing would happen, but I was scared that he had the power right then and there to take Bryan from me; even though we weren't together.

Then that topic slowly melted into a bigger topic that I was finally beginning to notice. I know Bryan likes Kupok, and if it wasn't for my constant clinging at AC, I'm sure that phone call he made to me tonight would have gone to him. That doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me, or scares me I should say, is that Kupok has that power to take Nimbus from me. I hear nothing but good about Kupok, and even with all my ego, I feel almost... inadequate next to him. I'm kind of scared to lose my raccoon. I'm really scared to lose him.

I'm not sure why I had a need to tell Eevee that, but I guess it was kind of nice to show him that I'm not all just this mindless happy face with an ego problem.

God this is a depressing fucking blog post.

No Internet
I'm not really sure what is going on in my world. Usually if I miss getting on the internet for one day, it's fun to see how much backlogged information I have. All the emails, all the forum posts, all the admin stuffs, all the messages. But now that I'm not really sure how long it will be until I get back onto the internet to actually WORK on stuff – I'm scared. Sure I'll have internet at school for some light messaging, but I can't do anything useful there. I can't fix my websites or tinker with my FTP.

I hate to sound like things will fall apart without internet, but I believe they will. Right now I have no way in contact people other than my cell-phone. And I am getting kind of lonely here at night folks ^..^; Gimme a call: (510)299-0463. If you're worried about costing me money for saying hello, then call after 9pm PST, on the weekends, or if you have Verizon. Then it's free.

Roan has called me a few times. Nice to have someone to talk to, but he was playing his video games more than talking, so it kind of got really, really boring near the end of our conversation.

I don't have much to do. I have my 3,000 MAME roms, which are keeping me occupied, but they aren't as fun as say... chatting with friends. Or seeing my boyfriend's face though his webcam.

Mousegirl
Oooh yeah. Might as well continue the depressing theme of this entire post :|
I opened up the shoe box that held all my mementos from my life with her. There were pictures and stuff, and it got me thinking... I wonder if she still hates me. When we broke up, she had a feeling I would end up with Bryan; just because I talked about him so much. She told me as long as I didn't end up with him – things would be fine.

I can't control my emotions as you can see.

Do I regret it? NO.

I have a binder of hers I kept, but I have to give back. I never got around to giving it back to her – or reading much of the contents, they were just letters I had written her.

I want to give her the binder back... and get my pokemon game back.

But mostly I just want one less person in this world to hate me.

Raccoon
I love you Bryan.

This whole move is bringing me into a slow depression, and even though I'm great at getting people out of them – I'm not too great at getting myself out of them.

I remember talking to you that night we cried. You offering to put up your own savings bonds for me; for us. Just knowing you want to do something like that makes me feel great inside. It's true that they say love knows no boundaries.

A lot of people look at me weird when I say I'm gay, or that I am in love with my boyfriend. They say I don't look gay, and they don't believe me some of them. I'm not here to make them believe me or not. They have a problem seeing that; when I'm with you – there is no gay; there is no weirdness; no social valiantness; just love. Everyone knows what love is.

And when I'm with Bryan... I just feel love. Nothing feels more right than that. To hold him and feeling his breathing... To tussle the back of his hair and nuzzle him; it all just makes me incredibly happy. And that's how it should be. So yes, I'm trying to end this on a happier note.

And the happy note is when I finally get up to Washington... when I finally wake up that first morning, embracing Bryan... when I'm finally home; then will my smile display my most honest of emotions.

Posted by Doc at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I know a LOT of people who this applies to, so let me state my little sheild of blogtitude.

I write my blog for ME, and nobody else. The only reason I have it online is to show the rest of the world that I am no different than any of them.

These people are always complaining about how shitty they are treated by their parents, how they are always being bitched at. I ask them how they are doing in school, they say they aren't.

... Ok, where do you work?

They don't work.

So what do they do?

Apparently nothing.

Hrm. I WONDER WHY YOUR PARENTS BITCH AT YOU.

I'm not saying your life has to be some bubbling socialite active huzzah, but if you don't work - go to school; if you don't go to school - work.

And of course this only applies if you still live with your parents, because if you don't work nor go to school AND live on your own, kudos to you - because you can somehow pull that one off.

Isn't a miserable existance though? Waking up... logging on... sitting online for 12 hours, falling back to sleep. I mean I do that some days, but thats on my DAYS OFF from school and work. School and work aren't really the funnest things I ever done, but it really does feel good to actually be doing something with my life.

I didn't write this to mentally yell at anyone, I just really wanted to point out the fact to them - your parents love you, but the fact that you do abosultley nothing actually does mean you are a lazy fuck, or whatever else they call you. :|

<3 in the end from me though.

Posted by Doc at 3:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Is it normal to want to not be in a great mood? I don't mean like depression. But like right now I'm just in a :| mood and it feels kind of nice. Maybe it's because I've gotten off of work and I don't have to act all cherry happy at all times of my day.

Or maybe I just really dont' want to go to this miserable excuse for a college.

Posted by Doc at 2:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm in need of some sort of physical affection. Really bad. School starts in a few days (Wednesday the 25th) and I really am not looking forward to it. I have to spend money on books. Money I could be saving up for my move northwards. I have to renew this domain name, or you people can't read my blog - and I would have nothing to type.

I think I'm in a genuine bad mood right now. Most of it is because I can't see Bryan right now - I know it is.

He was pretty upset last night, silly guy started getting all worried about our future, and things going wrong and stuff. While I've told him they are only whatifs, and he shouldn't listen to them - I am actually glad he thinks so heavily into these things some times. I don't like the outcome of him being all depressed, but it feels good that someone is that worried about a future with me.

Hopefully he is over his friend's house by now getting some needed snuggles and talking done. I just wish I could be up there to snuggle with him. And that brings me to the original topic.

In a way I wish I could just snuggle with anyone right now. I got a hug last night. I don't even know who it was from. Some girl who knew Carlos or something. She knew me, which made me feel a little bad figuring I had NO clue on who she was. She hugged me out of a dare, because Carlos said I wouldn't hug back if someone just randomly came up and hugged me.

But yeah. I got a hug, and that was the only physical affection I have gotten since July 13th or something. A local fur (or used to be local) and I have been talking about meeting up and; I wont dodge the topic - having sex. But the more I think about it... the less I seem to want to do it. Next time I talk to him I may just say just that.

I just want Bryan right now. I want my love. I want to hold him as I fall asleep next to him - I want to look into his eyes and just never look away.

I miss my love, that's why today is blah.

Posted by Doc at 2:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am the anti-drunk.
I am the anti-druggie.

Coming to me about what you did at a party, will only lower your respect for you in my eyes.

Posted by Doc at 3:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Because I don't really have any friend I want to call up and talk to this about I turn to the anomosity(sp) of the internet.

As I speak a cop is coming down to pick up my brother. He broke his probation by stealing my car last night, getting high, running away when we found him, and stealing someone else's clothes out of their back yard.

My mom is destroyed and my dad doesn't know what to do. I don't have a brother anymore.

And I have work in an hour.

How's your day been?

edit: Now my dad and mom are crying in front of two cops as they try to explain they aren't bad parents. This child has destroyed all normal family life we own.

I'm tired.

Posted by Doc at 2:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Forgot to post something. This guy I've known over at EEF for quite a long while start mentioning about where he lived. Aannddd... well just read this.

I never knew he lived that close. Freaky eh?

Posted by Doc at 1:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Regrets:
1. EEFactor
2. Pelican

Posted by Doc at 11:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yeah, right off my insane high that is Nimbus and AC comes the crushing news that we are being kicked out of our house.

We have rented this place for near 10 years (yeah, we suck at money management, you don't need to remind me I am always 5 minutes from being poor) and we finally called and asked about buying this place. My dad had huge plans for it, we were going to raise it to make the basement liveable, redo the entire back garage area, expand things all around... it would be awesome.

But the owners are getting a divorce.

She wants the house.

And she wants us out in 60 days.

... almost 10 years of my life in this small ass house. I never really liked it but 10 years holds a fuckload of memories.

My first thought though was... the cats. We don't own a lot of them, they just hang around here. And the raccoons and skunks. Just the animals... what happens when new owners come in here and just abuse them until they leave?

This isn't fair - we've paid this shitty ass rent probably twice fold this house is worth and now we are being kicked out.

I'm kind of scared.

Posted by Doc at 3:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I woke up around 3pm.

I made shitty averages at work.

I walked with $22.

I rear-ended someone on the way home, didn't have my wallet.
(I'm lucky there was no damage and he saw how stressed I was - nothing done.)

I just really want to cuddle up to someone and kind of cry.

Posted by Doc at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well apparently news of me being single stirs up emotions of people wanting to hook up with me...

So far, I have had 3 people tell me either they want me as a boyfriend, they love me, or they really really like me. While I love all this attention and it feels really nice right now, I feel kind of bad at the same time. I really like everyone who says they like me, but I have told each one of them I am not ready for a relationship. I feel I have some growing up to do, and I do not want to limit my emotions to just one person right now.

I also don't really know how I attract such strong feelings so quickly. I have acted the same way towards these people that I always have, other than them knowing I'm gay now.

Maybe that did it.

I dunno.

My Only Regrets
I like to think that nobody online dislikes me, and everything with me is pretty good and decent; but I find some places I have put out of my memory. Latley I have found 2 things that really... just push against a nerve in my spine that doesn't like to be touched.

One: EEFactor.
Now this place was the place that showed me inernet community. I was there from its crappy beginning to its nore powerful standpoint now. While I still believe the website doesn't have a point and may never have a real point, the fact of the matter is Elie managed to create a nice community of people with his forums. I remember there was this little joke about a 'family' being made, so and so user was the mom, drunk uncle, annoying brother, etc. It was a stupid silly thing, but more and more I felt as if I was part of the family.

Then I started to realize that these people were almost too closed minded for me. Or maybe it was just... I was too closed minded to see their points from a rational point. Bascially whenever something about sexuality or homosexuality came up, I just lashed out at anyone against it. And not a simple lash out, I would give it all I could. Afterwords I wouldn't feel "good" or "relieved" I'd feel on the verge of craking, and feeling like crap.

A final thread came up, and... I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave one final flame and then said my goodbyes on very good terms. I never wanted to return to those forums, but didn't want to leave the family.

Then something spammed my site, and it was using names from EEFactor Forums. If you know me you know I have a bad... BAD tendancy to lash out at something quick and without thought. So I did. I said if I don't get proof that it wasn't x user from their forums I would blacklist the site in any way I could.

Elie, who was a good friend thought I was going to blacklist his site no matter what, and so he lashed out back at me. It was the battle between to admins.

Nobody wins internet fights.

So now the people at EEFactor think I'm some giant ass, and I have lost my family.

Why did I bring this up? Because I was linked to there amazingly. Some random person online linked me to a forum post and... then I searched for my name. Nobody has spoke of me since that last message.

Nobody remembers me, and I don't blame them. It just... kind of hurts to get no responses on your name when your family seemed to care so much for you...

I can never go back, but I wish I handled things better.

Pelican
After that night of CS... I cried.

I cried and I was angry. I lashed out and erased you from my life, but... now I realize that is impossible. I know it's been over half a year... I think at least.

Let me explain for everyone else. Pelican was my good friend. Very good friend. He was the only one and still has been the only person I have trusted my chatroom to. We was it's second in command, its succeesor, and now that I alienated him... there is no sucessor. The room dies when I go out with it. Pelican was there from the beginning. He was my first appointed Op, and was the longest of the original three. Hell - he'd still be there if it wasn't for my asinine actions.

One night I played him in a video game, and my friend was constantly attacking him with abuse. I did nothing to stop it.

I did nothing to help him.

I just sat there, and continued to beat him, which was like spiting in his face at that point.

After the game I saw his own lash out, him telling me I was a bad friend.

My mistake? I took that as the end of our friendship and severed all ties. I still don't understand how it all happened so easily. We never and still have never exchanged a simple word to eachother, he never came back into my chatroom, I removed him off my messengers.

I cried that night over you Pelican. And tonight I'm about to do the same.

But this isn't like EEFactor. I'm not going to lose this bit of family. I have to admit I had a crush on you for the longest time... and to lose someone like you would hurt... a lot.

I don't care if all I end up doing is saying I'm sorry and find out you still don't want to be near me. Or even if its too weird for us ever to talk again - I'm going to make my apology, and it will be heard. Even if it has to fall on deaf ears.

I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

Posted by Doc at 2:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I need to stay away from places that bring back bad memories on the internet.

Posted by Doc at 2:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Ugh. Don't come to me with your alcohol horror stories, for fucks sake. You pour poison (and it is poison don't forget) into your body and then wonder why you get shitfaced and have a massive hangover.

Shut the fuck. Up.

Posted by Doc at 12:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ok, well me going to AC is about 99% sure. I just have to listen to my dad's endless rants about saftey.

Here is what he is afraid of:
1. Me being killed.
2. Me being raped.
3. Nimbus ending up being some sort of crazed psychopath.

Here is his evidence.
1. YUO DON'T KNOW ANY1 ON TEH INTERNET FOR REALZ.
2. I don't do anything aroudn the house (which is true)
3. See #1 again.
4. I don't listen. (Evidence: Don't come home on time [can only think of one time mind you], don't get off computer on time. [wtf?])

And he thinks I knew I was gay months ago when I planned this whole thing, so now he thinks somehting shady is going to happen.

So after getting parents mad at eachother, and me mad at him, he goes and almost has a siezure, so mom was out walking and I had to help him through it. You can't be mad at someone when they are possible seconds away from brain damage. :/

I'm a bit of a mess right now.

Posted by Doc at 6:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Dear Gordon Reynolds,

The PayPal User Agreement states that PayPal, at its sole discretion,
reserves the right to close an account for any violation of the User
Agreement, including the Acceptable Use Policy. Under the Acceptable
Use
Policy, PayPal may not be used to send or receive payments for any
adult,
sexually oriented, or obscene materials or services. The complete
Acceptable Use Policy addressing Adult Material can be found at the
following URL:

http://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=p/gen/ua/use/index_frame-outside&ed=mature

We are hereby notifying you that, after a recent review of your account
activity, it has been determined that you are in violation of PayPal's
Acceptable Use Policy. Therefore, your account has been closed.

When PayPal closes an account due to an Acceptable Use Policy
violation, it
is PayPal's policy to hold the funds for a period of 180 days. Once the
180-day timeframe has elapsed, PayPal will release any remaining
balance
either via bank transfer or issuance of a check. Please login to your
account and update any necessary information, as PayPal cannot be held
responsible for incorrect information provided by the account holder.

Please note that accounts found in violation of PayPal's Mature
Audiences
Policy will not be reinstated. Enforcement of our policies is not
reflective of seller status or volume of sales.

You will need to remove all references to PayPal from your website(s)
and/or auction(s). This includes not only removing PayPal as a payment
option, but also the PayPal logo and/or shopping cart. We thank you in
advance for your cooperation. If you have any questions, please
contact
the PayPal Compliance Department at paypal-compliance@paypal.com.

Sincerely,
PayPal Compliance Department
PayPal, an Ebay Company

Posted by Doc at 9:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So I talked to Navleen today, and it is... final. I no longer have a girlfriend, but I still have a friend, a really great friend.

Still sad, but feel... almost, better now.

Posted by Doc at 12:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I told Navleen I can't deal with a relationship.
I told my mom today I might be gay.
I told my co-workers my eyes were watery because of allergies, not because I was crying all night.
And I keep telling myself everything will be ok.

I've always been horrible at telling lies, so I'm going to say this in public - the world needs to know this.

I love Navleen. My love can no longer be that of a lover or a boyfriend, but I will always be in her life. And the reason I had to break our relationship off... is because I loved her.

Posted by Doc at 12:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

4. Everything isn't "fine" (talking about last post), I just really don't want to have to explain the situation and four hours of backstory. I have to find out about myself before I get any deeper into a relationship that I'm not sure I can comitt to.

That's basically the short version. So the next couple of weeks, things between me, mousegirl, and others are going to be wierd~

Posted by Doc at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This topic is old to me and my closest contacts, but new to you all so I will fill you in.

Actually. I'm afraid to, I know some people may look down upon my relationship, and that could spell disaster.
This is angsting quick.

Look at this. Read and understand this, I'm afraid to exersize my freedom of written speech. Do you understand that? I'm actually angry right now, I wish I could yell this as hard as I could.

You have stripped me my freedom, I am not free to be who I want to be. Why should I care what you think?

Why?

I should care because you have the power to control my love life. I'm not yelling/talking about Navleen, just the ones close to her.

Why do you have to read my blog? Or do you? Did you once and now you do not? Do I have to live in this constant fear of acting 'out of the norm' or hell, I'll just said it, do I have to be afriad of the fact I find guys really attractive at times?

Yes, I have to be scared. Because after that last statement, you might get all weird and then disaprove of my current relationship, then I can't see Navleen for the rest of my life because I was being who I am.

I'm afriad of you.

You may not even exist, but I'm stitting here, my eyes slowly watering because I know this relationship isn't even under mine nor her control.

I just love her.
I just want to fucking love her, why can't I be who I want to be and love her at the same time?

Why?

Because I'm afraid of what you might think.
I can't keep typing, I'm getting too depressed and angry.

Look. you have gotten me to tears. You know what the last thing to get me to tears over fear of not being in control? When I was told my first girlfriend was deciving me. I cried hard then, I had no control over my relationship, she held every card.

She feels like you right now.
Why am I so scared of you.

Posted by Doc at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

My dad isn't going to let me go see Kraftwerk tomorrow, he doesn't want me in SF alone at night :| :| :|

So he's paying me for my ticket.

I'm still pissed.

Posted by Doc at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I don't know what it is. Just latley I have felt... out of place everywhere. Maybe because I have been so lazy latley but, sheesh. Today on the phone with mousegirl I felt distanced, I don't know why. Partly why I wasn't talking is my mouth - today it hurts a good deal. Bowling last night I felt distanced from Cail and Carlos, at work I feel distanced.

Hopefully I will get over all of this but latley I have just been feeling really far from everyone, and for some reason I feel I want it like this for now.

Linkshot.net
Linkshot finally got around to getting himself a nice looking MT, and now I can add another friend to my ever increasing bloglist.

Posted by Doc at 10:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's finally over. Yesterday my entire family went over to the house Anthony was staying at and managed to find him. Actually, I found him and chased after him a bit with my cousin, only to fall and slam my head against a fence. When I came too agian, (maybe like 20 seconds later if that) I pointed where Anthony ran off and I guess Travis (my cousin) caught him.

We didn't go there to drag him back, we led him to my dad and mom and we just talked. I saw my dad break down in tears and after all the talk about us wanting to break him in half, he hugged him and walked away, it was up to him to decide. My mom talked to him for a bit as I sat across the street crying... hard.

My mom led him back over to me and... we talked for a long, long while. I never really talked to Anthony. Never. After we both cr