Yeah. I am typing this up with no internet. With no phone. With no cable TV. I am on a hardwood floor; sheets pinned up over the windows as makeshift blinds. Clutter from my life is all around me. I look out the front room windows to see.. my old house.
Old house? Yes. Old house.
98 Duarte Ave.
I don't live there anymore. We have been removed. I know it would happen one day, especially after we were told we only have a few months left; but it doesn't make this any easier. So why can I see my old house?
Because we moved across the street. The house I am in now is smaller than the one over there. I didn't think it possible – but it has been done apparently. We decorate this room with our own belongings, but it isn't our home; not our house. Sure, you could say that about any house really. But when you come to a house you don't want to move into... it never really feels like home. I wasn't excited to come here, and when I found my room managed to shrink in size and my closest is now hardly anything: I felt sad.
Not depressed, just sad.
I know my family sucks at money management; I'm not blaming them for this... much. I just feel saddened that my family will have to live in such conditions until we find a better house. My dad and mom are adamant about doing just that; living here is depressing to us all they think.
I know a lot of this seems out of the blue, unexpected and unexplained. I don't know why I never felt like talking about my move much. I still don't feel a big urge to talk about it. It boils down to: the people that we rented from had a divorce, and she wants the house.
Unfortunately we were living in that house, only a year or so away from buying it from them, as they said we could.
And so we are across the street now. This used to be a mobile home. Not like a trailer or anything, but it wasn't built on this land, it was brought in and some makeshift shit was put around it. Doesn't look bad from the outside, and the inside is bearable; but it isn't home.
I go across the street now, into my empty house. I hear the cats crying as they don't understand what's going on. And I realize that doesn't feel like home anymore. The person who wants this house will get it back forever. The tree in front of the yard... it was such a scraggly thing – it has now started it's growth into a full fledged maple. The grass out back was just a piece of dirt before. Everything that was in the garage... I still don't know where that is all going to go.
I remember when I woke up over at Bryan's apartment. I didn't feel like I usually feel when sleeping in strange areas. When in new places, I never really sleep – I hear everything. I do rest, but every little click, notice, purr, drop, blip, bloop, creak, squeak, etc; I hear. Even now I am trying to get accustomed to the sounds of this house, mostly it quiet echoes is creates. Getting back on topic, when I was with Bryan, I... slept. I slept soundly. I didn't hear anything other than “good morning” upon my awaking. I want my home to be with Bryan.
He called me not too long ago, just to tell me he loves me. I don't know how to feel right now. It was a cute motion, and make me melt like always; but I almost want to cry over everything here. I have a paper to write, and I'm-procrastinating on that right now. I don't know what my thesis is; I have a group project on Tuesday, and I have work Monday, Tuesday, and then Thursday through Saturday. When he said that I just am reminded why all of this can't drive me to a breaking point. I have to be strong, I have to get good grades and finish my schooling, I have to work hard and save up money; for him.
I have to be with Bryan.
I want to start the next chapter of my life in his presence.
A Chat with V
I remember there was a time where Eevee annoyed the life out of me. He was always arrogant, always claiming he could do things better than anyone else, but never showing his actual skill. That annoyance eventually led to a disagreement between us, that put a nice hefty wedge of “grr” between us both. Well to fast-forward a bit, it was removed. However, it wasn't until a few nights back where I really talked to him.
He was getting a bit angst about relationships and stuff, and because of other... “not bright” people's view on relations in the #agnph, we messaged each other a bit. Then out of nowhere, I had to let stuff out. I had to let everything out to him. I never wanted to let Eevee know that the AGNPH drove me crazy. I knew he didn't like how I ran the site, as it was held together with virtual duct tape and hopes; but I always managed to make it look like it was great being the admin of the AGNPH, save for a few instances.
Lately however, people have just made my life suck online. I can no longer get online to talk with my boyfriend, or play a few rounds of Gunbound, or even check my e-mail. From the moment I sign on, to the moment I sign off, I have people messaging me about the AGNPH. Most prevalent are those who have no other reason but to annoy me. I have banned a few people from that site for personal reasons, I admit; but then they take it on themselves to make my life a living hell – because they aren't getting their porn. It's ridiculous. From Invader_Pichu's constant name calling of “queer” and “faggot” to Iggumbreon's never-ending chatting to me about absolutely nothing; to random people spamming the website, I don't get a moment of peace anymore.
And I had to let Eevee know this for some reason. I wanted to let him know that I hate the place as much as he does. We had a few chuckles about planning how to take down the entire site in one fell swoop. Deleting every last picture, admin, user, thread topic, and etc; and just never explaining the actions or madness behind it.
And then I talked to him about something a bit more serious. I told him I felt threatened by his amount of people he knew. I know he can out code me, and out nerd me if need be. Apparently he out blogs me. Eevee can make a random topic or post about nothing, and get over 20 comments every time. I can do something just as random, or a complete paradox shift and do something completely serious, and get maybe 2 comments. This isn't a plea for comments. For the love of God if I find I get more comments on this entry than I do on any other entry, I know you folks really don't care about what I have to say. But I just felt threatened that nobody really doesn't like Eevee.
When he was snuggling with Nimbus over at Anthrocon, I was really scared. I knew nothing would happen, but I was scared that he had the power right then and there to take Bryan from me; even though we weren't together.
Then that topic slowly melted into a bigger topic that I was finally beginning to notice. I know Bryan likes Kupok, and if it wasn't for my constant clinging at AC, I'm sure that phone call he made to me tonight would have gone to him. That doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me, or scares me I should say, is that Kupok has that power to take Nimbus from me. I hear nothing but good about Kupok, and even with all my ego, I feel almost... inadequate next to him. I'm kind of scared to lose my raccoon. I'm really scared to lose him.
I'm not sure why I had a need to tell Eevee that, but I guess it was kind of nice to show him that I'm not all just this mindless happy face with an ego problem.
God this is a depressing fucking blog post.
No Internet
I'm not really sure what is going on in my world. Usually if I miss getting on the internet for one day, it's fun to see how much backlogged information I have. All the emails, all the forum posts, all the admin stuffs, all the messages. But now that I'm not really sure how long it will be until I get back onto the internet to actually WORK on stuff – I'm scared. Sure I'll have internet at school for some light messaging, but I can't do anything useful there. I can't fix my websites or tinker with my FTP.
I hate to sound like things will fall apart without internet, but I believe they will. Right now I have no way in contact people other than my cell-phone. And I am getting kind of lonely here at night folks ^..^; Gimme a call: (510)299-0463. If you're worried about costing me money for saying hello, then call after 9pm PST, on the weekends, or if you have Verizon. Then it's free.
Roan has called me a few times. Nice to have someone to talk to, but he was playing his video games more than talking, so it kind of got really, really boring near the end of our conversation.
I don't have much to do. I have my 3,000 MAME roms, which are keeping me occupied, but they aren't as fun as say... chatting with friends. Or seeing my boyfriend's face though his webcam.
Mousegirl
Oooh yeah. Might as well continue the depressing theme of this entire post :|
I opened up the shoe box that held all my mementos from my life with her. There were pictures and stuff, and it got me thinking... I wonder if she still hates me. When we broke up, she had a feeling I would end up with Bryan; just because I talked about him so much. She told me as long as I didn't end up with him – things would be fine.
I can't control my emotions as you can see.
Do I regret it? NO.
I have a binder of hers I kept, but I have to give back. I never got around to giving it back to her – or reading much of the contents, they were just letters I had written her.
I want to give her the binder back... and get my pokemon game back.
But mostly I just want one less person in this world to hate me.
Raccoon
I love you Bryan.
This whole move is bringing me into a slow depression, and even though I'm great at getting people out of them – I'm not too great at getting myself out of them.
I remember talking to you that night we cried. You offering to put up your own savings bonds for me; for us. Just knowing you want to do something like that makes me feel great inside. It's true that they say love knows no boundaries.
A lot of people look at me weird when I say I'm gay, or that I am in love with my boyfriend. They say I don't look gay, and they don't believe me some of them. I'm not here to make them believe me or not. They have a problem seeing that; when I'm with you – there is no gay; there is no weirdness; no social valiantness; just love. Everyone knows what love is.
And when I'm with Bryan... I just feel love. Nothing feels more right than that. To hold him and feeling his breathing... To tussle the back of his hair and nuzzle him; it all just makes me incredibly happy. And that's how it should be. So yes, I'm trying to end this on a happier note.
And the happy note is when I finally get up to Washington... when I finally wake up that first morning, embracing Bryan... when I'm finally home; then will my smile display my most honest of emotions.
