It's The Doc!

Its really early, and I did another blog scan. You know, I read about all these people falling for eachother, and then I think that it must be amazing. Then a weird feeling hits me, assuring me that its amazing, followed by the remembrance that I have fallen in love; and no, its not hard on the knees (bonus points to person to gets that reference.)

I mean... I love Navleen, and it sucks I can't see her. I wont angst about it, because thats now how we work. But I was just reading, some have had their crushes/loves over for a few days. Some couples go out just to drive. Some plan to meet up later this year. I have mine, and... I can't see her. Right now she is sleeping in her bed no more than 5 miles away, and it makes no difference.

I don't think anyone has ever explained to you (the audience) how severly quiet we have to be. To put it bluntly, I do not exist to her parents. They do not know what I look like, they have never heard my name, they can't identify me in a lineup, on the phone, in a book, nothing. They have never seen me, and yet I have been in their very house as they were home - hiding from them just so I could stay with my love that much longer.

We really can't say what would happen other than her entire family disowning her; if they find out about us right now. So the only plan we have is time, once she is out of school and starting to be more trusted, we might say something.

Ok... fuck not angsting, need to release.

Break Down
I have broke down.
Run out.
Doc is tired.
He is desperatley tired.

I found out recently, as did my mother, that my dad still is seeing someone else. I also found out a lot of shit about my life that may not be truthful in regards to him. The last 7 years of my life around my father have all been a dramatic play, so beautifuly and maticulously designed that nobody even had a hint of it. I have found out how badly my family is messed up.

On my mom's side, it is the ghetto. Not "reusing paper plates, haha" kind of ghetto. I mean selling drugs and waiting for welfare checks to SURVIVE kind of ghetto. My cousin lives in a house with no hot water and my aunt was arrested on grand theft auto not too long ago. My grandma is fucking insane, and gives her pain medication to my "uncle" to support his habit.

On my father's side you have a bunch of people who hate my mother and her family. My aunt invited my dad's affair over to Thanksgiving dinner saying "Who cares if Charlene is there, he really loves you." She is talking to a women outside of my dad's marriage, and talking bad about my mother. My nana (grandma) knows everything and says nothing, plays the 'I'm too old to remember" bits which is bull. My cousin Travis is now on a suspended license, and if he gets caught, he will be serving jail for some reason or another.

Not one marriage in my ENTIRE FAMILY TREE has lasted "till death do them part." Not one.

And if my mom goes through with this, the longest relationship of 22 odd years will be no more come six months. I will have to look for another car, we might have to move out because I am not going to want to live with my father. I don't understand, people... don't understand what helplessness feels like until you watch your own mother cry in front of her children because she doesn't know what she did to cause it.

I have helped many poeple in my life. I have talked friends through putting the knife down and I have calmed many a frantic mind from overthinking situations. I act like a diplomat of common sense and logic, making sure both stay in check when things pile up.

I can't meditate. This scares me. For a bit over a year now I meditate for at least 20 minutes out of the day. I cannot seem to calm my mind enough. Whenever I do I break... into tears. People don't know how fragile the strings holding my smile up are. I would just sit there, litererally, yelling at myself to calm down, talking myself through things, knowing I sound crazy.

The more I think the more I wish I could steal away. I wish I could steal away from everyone, and just take Navleen with me. Steal from her problems, steal from my problems and just drive, it doesn't matter where. I just want some clear thought again.

I cannot let people see me cry, because then it shows them I cannot control my emotions, and in turn they don't listen to my advice.

I'm strong for you all.
And despite how depressing this all sounds, I have a weak smile on my face because I know I am strong. I know I will smile. I know the next person that messages me is going to get a "hihi ^..^" and maybe a hug.

I know more about me than I thought I did. Thanks for listening~